Thursday, April 30, 2015

#TWSS, We See Things As We Are


Your take on something that is happening. It's hard to see the world through someone else's perspective because you don't live in their shoes, you don't know their experiences. You can try, but you begin to think about your experiences and still can't fully grasp "walking in their shoes". 

I am a pretty optimistic person, I often see sunshine on cloudy days. (Cue the band.) I generally just always see the good in everything. Yes, I get upset when things don't go my way...or something upsets me, but I try really hard--although it may take a few days-- to think about the positive in whatever situation I am in. 

When I was 10 years old my mom got pregnant, we went for a sonogram and didn't see or hear a heartbeat. She had miscarried. At 10 years old, I knew what that meant. I knew I wasn't going to have a new sibling, and I bawled right there in the sonogram room. I actually made my mom promise she would have another...she kept that promise twice. 

Before I got pregnant with my sweet boy Bennett, I miscarriedA day before we found out I was pregnant, I had this excruciating pain radiating all over my stomach, back, and sides. I can't even begin to explain it to you, but it was horrible. I took a pregnancy test the next day, and it was positive. It was my husband's birthday so I bought a cute onesie so I could announce to him that we were expecting. We had just gotten married 2 months before, so we were actually shocked/happy/confused that I had gotten pregnant so fast. We thought to ourselves many times "Isn't it supposed to take a long time?" and "How did that happen?". We told our parents, and that's really it. 

Exactly 2 weeks later, I was at school and I started bleeding. I knew right then and there something was wrong. Thankfully, my mom works with the doctors that I see and they were able to bring me in and see what was going on. After hearing my levels were low, they wanted to do more blood work 48 hours later to see if they had dropped more. They had. I had miscarried this baby that we had made. To tell you I was devastated is an understatement. I took off the next 2 days of work, and just took some time to reflect. My husband was there for me, and I actually went into his office with him cause I just needed someone. 

Over the next 3 months, I would have my ups and downs. I knew I would be pregnant again someday, but at the same time I saw so many people getting pregnant and having babies it made me really question why. Why, did it happen to me? Why was I given this baby only for it to be taken away? December 16th, I took a test...I knew there was a slim chance since it wasn't anywhere near my missed period, but hey doesn't hurt to check. A positive line appeared, so obviously I had to test again. Positive. I had to tell my hubby immediately so I whispered in his ear at dinner in front of our family. I know, romantic. I was only 3.5 weeks pregnant, and knew that something could happen...but believed it would be different this time. 

2 weeks later while on vacation at Nic's grandparents house, I had that excruciating pain again. It actually hurt so bad that I threw up. It was the absolute worse, and the next night I woke up with it again. I waited and waited for bleeding, but nothing. Our first sonogram was done early since I had miscarried before, and I am pretty sure that my heart was beating out of my chest. I just wanted to see that heartbeat, I wanted to know that everything was ok. That the pain I had experienced was just a "side effect" of being pregnant. When I heard that heartbeat, tears started flowing and relief came over my body. I was pregnant. Pregnancy was not fun...morning all day sickness, reflux, migraines took over my body...and it wasn't until after I gave birth did they go away. 

Little did I know that right after delivering Bennett, I would be confronted with news I never expected to hear. I had miscarried early in my pregnancy (that mysterious pain I had, was a miscarriage.) Say what? Bennett was supposed to be a twin. There were two separate placentas formed, one obviously not as big as Bennett's, but formed. They explained to me--in my drugged up state--that sometimes this happens, it is known as vanishing twin. Three. The number of miscarriages I have had to cope with in my life. I know people have had to deal with way more, and I am blessed my number is so low and only 2 are directly connected to me.

The person that sees themselves as an optimist sees the bigger picture. They find the best possible option in the situation at hand. Yes, my past experiences could have defined me negatively...made me worry about my entire pregnancy. If I had not been optimistic I may have worried about getting pregnant, got depressed when I found out in the delivery room that I had miscarried, or worried myself sick during the pregnancy. But, I didn't. I prayed daily for my boy that he would come into the world healthy. I am a firm believer in the phrase that there is a reason for everything, and I know there was a reason why God chose me to be that little boys mom. There was a reason why he wanted me to only have one baby, why he wanted me to have a baby in August not May, why he chose to have me miscarry. My sweet, sweet baby boy has made me even more of an optimist and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. 

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  1. Beautifully written Brittany! God bless little baby boy Bennett. I can attest that you are so optimistic - and it helps me through rough times too! It's amazing to have a great friend lke you in my life who tells me to relax and to stop and pray about things and to be optimistic!

  2. A twin?! My goodness. How horrible to go through that, I'm sorry. However, you got your lil Bennett & I feel that gals that go through what you have, really appreciate & deserve to be mamas. :)

    Mandie ~

    1. It was a sad situation, but in that moment of sadness I had my boy.

      I love being a mom, and I am so glad God chose me.

  3. Oh Brittany! My heart is aching for you as I read this post. My husband and I struggled to start a family too, and I also found myself asking all those same questions. And more! I think we would be great friends; I describe myself as a silver lining kind of person. And I think you are the same way. Looking, even when it is hard, for the rainbow after the storm! I am sending you a big virtual hug. Thank you for sharing your story with us at this weeks That's What She Said Link Up. Don't forget to link up this beautiful post. XO

    1. I know that my struggle of one miscarriage before getting a pregnancy to "stick" doesn't amount to what a lot of people have had to go through. I almost felt bad when I was able to get pregnant so fast, I really was planning on it taking a year or so to get pregnant. It taught me a lot. Thanks for the hug! :)

  4. Yes - beautiful and heart-wrenching and beautiful. Isn't that the way of optimists and poets? We see the beauty in the broken, and the stitched up places, and the raw, and the straining to smile again. Thank you for this loveliness today!

    1. I'm always trying to find the beauty in the broken, there is beauty in everything!

  5. Brittany, WOW, you have me in tears! I'm so happy you have your sweet son Bennett, but I am also sorry you had to go through that pain. My heart was aching reading your story. Thank you for sharing with us at TWSS.
    I love your optimism, keep that, always!
    ::BIG HUGS::

  6. I've had two miscarriages. Both were horrible.

    I love your message here... and welcome to baby Bennett.

    What a beautiful video too.

    Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.

  7. Brittany ~ I read your story with interest. I have a friend that had a miscarriage a few years ago and then last a baby at 20 weeks. She has struggled to get pregnant again. My heart breaks for her as she wants a baby so badly. Your story gave me hope for her. Thanks for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop!

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